Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Dastardly foreign plot to undermine Packers revealed

Have you ever accidentally stumbled upon something so sinister, so evil, so disturbing that you just wanted to gouge your eyes out with a broken pencil and then bang your head repeatedly on a cinder block until you induced amnesia?

Me neither.

Until today, when I uncovered what can only be described as a foreign plot to sabotage the Packers in the most vile way possible. We're not talking about a harmless prank, like putting Icy Hot down McCarthy's pants. Instead, a member of the Green and Gold's life may very well be at stake.

I wish I wasn't the one to pass this on to you. Your lives would be so much easier if you were ignorant of what's brewing across the Pacific. But you need to know. So brace yourself; this isn't an easy truth to swallow.

The people of the Philippines want to eat Bryan Bulaga.
That's right. Those happy-go-lucky island nation folk are intent on scarfing down our starting right tackle like a big dish of adobo.

At the center of the devious campaign is a television program with the sole purpose of stirring the masses into a swarm of fomenting crazies bent on chowing down on Bulaga. The reprobates behind this propaganda platform will stop at nothing to entice all Filipinos to join them, utilizing cash prizes, song and dance, and barely clad women to this end. Take a look for yourself. My sources inform me that the show airs at noontime everyday in the Philippines, conveniently when people's rationality is suspended in favor of their appetites.

The first and only time Miley Cyrus
appears on this blog
The plot has even enlisted the aid of American singer Miley Cyrus, who recently appeared on the show and triggered the type of feeding frenzy that would make a great white shark blush. If sweet little Hannah Montana has joined the conspirators, then there's simply no telling what other celebrities may involved in the plot to eat Bulaga. But I'll venture a guess and say Lady Gaga. I always figured her for someone who wouldn't mind nibbling on a finger or two.

At first this may seem patently absurd. What do the people of Manila care about American football? But after Chinese commandos dressed as basketball players roughed up the Georgetown Hoyas, I think it's pretty clear that no one associated with American sports is safe from international treachery.

Bulaga: The other, other white meat.
We're not sure of their motive. Perhaps Bulaga insulted Manny Pacquiao? Or maybe they're convinced that the entire country could sustain itself off his blubber for years to come (they may have a point there). But whatever the case may be, as loyal members of Packernation we must stand up to this foreign menace.


  1. HEY, I though YOU, of ALL people would appreciate this.

  2. You got that right Samurai William! I thought the article was somewhat amusing