Jamie Dukes' criteria for "Top QB" is whack

For the most part, I like NFL Network personality Jamie Dukes. He seems like a nice enough guy. Sure he likes to ramble and is more often than not nonsensical, but at least he's enthusiastic, if not downright jovial. Heck, if you slapped a shaggy white beard on the man, I'd say he'd be the spitting image of good ol' Santa Claus...except for the whole "being black" thing.

See...I wasn't making this stuff up.

But even though he may very well be the chocolate version of Kris Kringle, Mr. Dukes' analysis in a recent NFL Network video did not have me feeling all warm and fuzzy like I do on the night before Christmas. That's because Jamie Dukes said some really, really stupid things, which I, and probably any other sane football fan out there, took offense to.


The segment in question was entitled, "Best in the biz: QBs," which I guess is NFLN's "street" way of saying "the top five QBs in the NFL." Things got started in typical fashion, with Dukes hooting and hollering like a cowboy with a mouth full of hot sauce, but then took a sharp turn for Stupidville. The fifth best quarterback in league, according to Jamie Dukes? DONOVAN McNABB! Yes, Donovan McNabb, the QB that was so good the entire population of Philadelphia just couldn't wait to ship him to a division rival. Absurd! Well let's see what Dukes has to justify this pick:

• McNabb has appeared in 5 NFC Championship games, 4 of them without a Pro-Bowl WR
• McNabb has appeared in a Super Bowl 
• McNabb has a great body (of work)

Wait. What? This just doesn't compute. Almost ever factoid that Dukes uses to argue McNabb is a top 5 quarterback in the league RIGHT NOW, happened almost SIX YEARS AGO. Aside from a trip to the NFC Championship game in 2008, the last time the Eagles made any kind of a playoff run was 2004. How the heck is that relevant to today? Heck, Daunte Culpepper looked like the second coming of Joe Montana in 2004, why isn't he on this list?

The fact of the matter is McNabb has been anything but a top 5 quarterback over the past couple seasons, and I would know, as he's on my fantasy team. His QB rating over the past few years has hung around 90, which is good, but certainly not elite. In addition to that, the man is injury prone. He missed two games last year with a broken rib (would've been 3 if not for a conveniently placed bye week), and has had just one complete season in the last six years.

Dukes' next pick was Ben Roethlisberger. Now this is a little more reasonable, but I'm still inclined to disagree with it, in part because of Jamie Claus' baffling logic. No Jamie, don't mention that Ben had a 100+ QB rating last year or that he threw for over 4000 yards and had a TD-Int ratio of 2.5 to 1. Instead, talk about his SUPER BOWLS, because we know that's ALL that matters when evaluating a QB.

I tell you what, of all the arguments I am sick of, the one that states "You measure a QB's greatness by how many Super Bowls he's won" is the worst offender. I mean, yes, the QB more than any other position on the team is associated with winning and carrying his team far into the postseason. But that's certainly not the only piece of data worth considering when evaluating a QB, is it? It is? Alright, don't say I didn't warn you. According to this logic, the following QBs are better than Dan Marino:

• Trent Dilfer
• Eli Manning
• Brad Johnson

Do you feel stupid now? Ok good. Apologize for making ridiculous blanket statements and ignoring all the other factors of what makes a quarterback great, such as, oh, I don't know, BEING ABLE TO THROW THE BALL REALLY WELL and we can move on.

Dukes finishes his top 5 respectably, selecting Tom Brady, Drew Brees, and Peyton Manning as his #3, #2, and #1, respectively. But before moving on to discussion, a graphic appears on screen displaying the five quarterbacks' number of Pro-Bowl appearances, and Dukes says, and I quote, "So you see right there, the numbers speak for themselves." No Jamie, the DON'T. The fact that Donovan McNabb went to 4 Pro-Bowls in the early 2000s DOES NOT tell me much about him as a quarterback NOW. So make up your friggin' mind, are you trying to answer who are the best 5 quarterbacks going into the 2010 season or are you trying to state who the best 5 active quarterbacks of the past decade are? Because you know what? Your stupid list and your backwards logic would seem to indicate the latter.

The fun doesn't end there. Now we get to see Jamie attempt to justify leaving Aaron Rodgers and Phillip Rivers off the list, in favor of the likes of Donovan "I'm so good the city I played for booed me almost every time I took the field" McNabb. Why isn't Rivers and his 65 completion percentage, 4,254 yards passing, and 28 touchdowns (to 9 interceptions, mind you) good enough? Because McNabb won four division championships half a decade ago. Oh and apparently the fact that Rivers and the Chargers have dominated the AFC West for the past five years means nothing because, well, it's the AFC West. Sorry Phil! Because of the fact that your team is forced to play the Chiefs and the Raiders four times a year, you will never ever crack Dukes' list! However, I do see that you made the Pro Bowl in 2006 and 2009, so wait a few years, maybe until 2013, and then JD will take you into consideration! Things like division championships, play-off victories, and post-season accolades are apparently like investments in the stock market. They don't matter much now, but in a few years, when Jamie Dukes is making his list, they'll sure as heck pay off! Just ask Donovan.

Now here's what Jamie has to say about Aaron Rodgers. Despite the fact that "the guy throws the best ball in the league" the reality of the matter is that he only has "one playoff win" (he actually has none you big, brown marshmallow).

 This is seriously too easy.

Therefore he is automatically DISQUALIFIED! The fact that he's had only two seasons is erroneous! Donovan McNabb won three Super Bowls in his first season as a starter! Sorry Aaron, but your lack of effort just isn't good enough! Yes you may be the NFL's best pure passer, make absurdly good decisions, and never turn the ball over, but what the HECK does any of that CRAP have to do with being a quarterback?!?! It's all about CHOKING IN THE CONFERENCE CHAMPIONSHIP, PUKING IN THE MIDDLE OF GAMES, AND STARRING IN A LONG STRING OF HIGHLY ENTERTAINING CHUNKY SOUP COMMERCIALS! IN MY BOOK, THE BOOK OF JAMIE DUKES, YOU AARON RODGERS ARE A NOBODY! YOUR 104 QB RATING AND 35 TOTAL TDs IN 2009 BE DAMNED!

The segment finally ends, but not before Dukes seizes the opportunity to embarrass himself even further by stating that, yes, he would take Roethilsberger over Aaron Rodgers for the next 5 or 6 years. But don't blame Jamie, his hands are tied! He has to "go with what [he's] seen" and he's seen Roethilsberger win two Super Bowls! Good golly, man! Are you a football analyst or not? I could train a chicken to identify which player has more Super Bowls and then pick them (seriously, I could probably do it...those chickens at Paul Bunyan's Land can play fricken' tick-tac-toe). Winning a Super Bowl in the past does not guarantee that you will continue to win them, so making projections based SOLELY off of this factor is IDIOTIC.

So to wrap this up, here are the lessons we can take away from this unfortunate incident. 1) On the eve of 2010, Donovan McNabb is NOT a top 5 QB, despite what he may have done five years ago. 2) Winning is certainly an important factor when considering a QB's merits, but it definitely isn't the only one. And finally, as Mr. Dukes demonstrates, 3) a good personality and playing experience do not an analyst make.